A Therapist-Approved Guide to Adulthood
Wishing you a gentle and loving entry into the new year.
Something happens when your 20’s and 30’s fade into the distance, and you’re confronted with the 4th, 5th (and beyond) decades of life. We face all the things we thought we would be and grieve all the things we’re not. We “grow up”. We run marathons, find good skincare routines, and start wearing sunscreen. We move up in our jobs and create families and buy homes. We try to get 7-8 hours of sleep. Make new year's resolutions to drink less or exercise more. We meal prep.
For many of us, we also approach our own healing with this level of intention. We’re more mindful of boundaries and self-care. We’re aware of patterns in relationship that keep us stuck. We may even go to therapy (hi).
A beautiful thing happens when we try to become more intentional with our lives. It’s our attempt at learning from the past and making decisions that align with our highest self. However, there’s a point at which self-improvement and the ways we think we should be as an adult can morph from an innocent attempt to better oneself into a malignant level of perfectionism or performance that gives a whole new meaning to the word “adulthood”. This is especially true if you grew up with the kind of trauma that had you maturing much earlier than you needed to.
Adulting, like healing, does not mean relinquishing your totally flawed, kid-like self to become the perfect single person, parent, partner, or employee. It’s actually not about perfection at all. I think adulting, like healing, is much more about permission.
When life doesn’t go our way, there’s a certain seriousness that can creep into our adult psyches. Why am I behind compared to my peers? Am I a bad parent? Why am I still single? Why do I have such a hard time setting boundaries? What is wrong with me? Now, I know the path our lives take is incredibly important. It dictates the quality of our lives, our health, our sense of self, the amount of love that surrounds us. So naturally, we mature and start treating our lives with intention. But when you stagnate, regress, or just get plain old lazy, it’s also important to remember that we’re all just floating on a big rock in a corner of the universe and that it’s just life.
So, here goes my therapist-approved guide to adulthood in the new year:
Sleep is important. But so are other things. You won’t get heart disease if you get 5 hours of sleep a night many, many nights in a row (I see you, new parents). Collect $200 and try for more sleep tomorrow. (Remember, it’s just life.)
Order delivery at your next dinner party. They won’t care that you didn’t spend hours in the kitchen cooking that one Ottolenghi recipe with 500 ingredients. (And if they do, maybe consider getting new friends? Just kidding. Remember, it’s just life.)
Nobody remembers what you said at that party that one time that makes you cringe. I promise. Just ask Taylor Swift. (And if they do, definitely get new friends but also remember that it’s just life.)
Stop expecting a relationship, a meditation, a run (you get the idea) to fix your clinical depression or anxiety. Take the meds if nothing else is working. Or if you plain ol’ just want to. (Remember, it’s just life)
Take more naps. (This is just solid life advice)
In conclusion, I ask you, Reader, some important questions. Can we hold adulthood, wellness, and our own healing with permission, lightness, and maybe even some humor? What happens when you say something awkward on a date? Lose your temper with your kid? Lash out at your partner? Don’t get that promotion?
Do these things derail?
Or can you invite your human flaws out to dance and flirt with the night?
