Demystifying Boundaries: Holiday Edition Pt. 2
In my last post, I introduced the topic of boundaries with the hope of supporting those of you who may need them as we simmer in the lollapalooza that is the holiday season. I talked about what a boundary is, the choice it offers, and the enormous implications it has on our and others’ well-being.
If you’re new to boundary-setting, it can be tricky to feel like we’re “getting it right”. We may have the best intentions, but inevitably fall short (as fallible humans do). We are masters at self-delusion and our shadowy nature can have us turning a well-meaning boundary into something…well…totally different than we had originally intended.
In a perfect world, we would all know how to set boundaries with loving kindness at all times. We would know how to take deep breaths and speak in calm voices and be present with others while also taking care of ourselves. However, the average human simply doesn’t behave this way all the time (and if you do, then boy do I have questions for you like how? And…how?).
What can happen is that, sometimes, we think we’re setting boundaries when really we’re building very high walls between us and another person (“I don’t need to take this, I’m leaving”). On the flip side, sometimes we think we’re setting boundaries when really, we’re controlling other people (“I need you to stop doing that”). The good news here is that if this is happening, you’re on the right track. Meaning, it’s an indication that you’re finding the courage to experiment with how to set effective boundaries. Trying something new! And you know what happens when we try to do new things. We. Make. Mistakes. So…
How the f*ck do you set a boundary?
For starters, a boundary is neither brittle and rigid nor loose and malleable. I would describe a good boundary as being firm yet flexible…with notes of empathy for self and other (and I’m not even a wine person, you guys).
In my last post, I mentioned that once we understand what boundaries are, we learn that victims and bullies are no longer relevant concepts. That’s because when we feel victimized, we feel we have no control over how other people treat us. The world does us wrong and we have no way of stopping it. But boundaries save the day here since we’ve acknowledged that the whole point of them is that they empower us to control our narrative. To step away from things that overwhelm or stress us. To delineate what we’re willing to tolerate and what we’re not. This is within our power and nobody else’s.
Likewise, bullying others is the result of an overwhelmed, stressed, and dysregulated nervous system looking to feel safe through behaviors like intimidation. We’re not bad people when we’re in that state. We’re just grasping for ways to feel safe and instead of grasping for others, I am suggesting you grasp for your boundaries. Ain’t nothing like a deep breath to reconnect us back to our needs.
Next, a solid boundary is about getting comfortable disappointing others…but hopefully with some grace. Below, I’ve come up with a sample list of boundaries to give you a sense of what I mean:
Exhibit A: “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with my schedule today so I’ve decided to carve out a solo run in order to clear my head and get centered.”
Exhibit B: “I’m feeling quite stressed with this conversation. I know this is important and I want to be present for it. This is why I’m going to go take a _________ (e.g. walk around the block, cold shower, deep breath in the other room) so I can return in ________ (e.g. 10 minutes, an hour) with a more level head.”
Exhibit C” “It hurts when you say ________. I love you, but I want to let you know that I’ll need to walk away from this conversation to take care of myself if you say that again.”
All of these boundaries might very well disappoint people on the other side of the conversation. They might be family members who really want to spend time with you during the holidays (to which you can respond with exhibit A). They might be partners or friends who really want to process an important conversation or disagreement (feel free to use exhibit B). They might be people who really want to communicate with you but are inadvertently harming you with their words (you get the idea…see exhibit C). And you might disappoint all of these people with your boundary. But! You might also be saving them (and you) from creating further harm. Getting ahead of reactivity with a boundary is the grace you can gift yourself and your loved ones this holiday season.
The last crucial component to setting good boundaries is some good old self compassion. Go easy on yourself as you explore what it means to nurture love in this way. Remember, if your attempt to set a boundary doesn’t go as planned, as the queen Aaliyah once said, “dust yourself off and try again, try again”.
